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dead belongings.
08 January 2017 @ 05:37 pm
yeah i don't know. why am i still in japan? it's fun, yeah, but if everyone is like that, i have no reasons to be here. i will let god decide if i stay here or not.
dead belongings.
25 July 2014 @ 11:27 pm
so many things have happened since november. i went to the other side of the world and back again. i saw professor m. in a new light. i tried to make friends with people who are not suitable to me because i am lonely. or because i like to socialize? i don't know.

since no one uses lj anymore, i might as well post this for everyone to read.
where should i start? oh the friends. what are friends? they are like potatoes, if you eat them, they die. right?
i don't really feel close to anyone around me anymore, not even my own parents. whenever i get trapped to trust someone a little bit they hurt me with something they say or do, or they keep secrets from me, or whatnot. am i too sensitive? maybe. but isn't it normal to treat you friends with respect and love? i think so.

the way things are now i cannot recognize myself anymore. why do i even socialize with people here when i don't like most of them? i am not that girl that i always was, i am just someone looking for a place where i can rest for a bit but no one keeps me and i keep wandering around and knocking on doors and i wonder, why. why don't i just shut myself off from people? i want to trust someone but really there is hardly anyone. i have my hopes on one or two people but that's it. everyone else... i feel like they'd turn their back at me anytime. is that normal? is it real? in this kind of time it seems to be.

i also feel like i am forcing myself to be nice to people to have friends. i liked myself better when i had hardly any friends and didn't care. how did i get so messed up? why do i force myself to be around people? of course it's not to be alone but i know in many cases i just feel worse from before, so what is it? what makes me put my filters for friends so ... loosened?
if i had just one or two people who i could really trust and who i knew i could trust in every way, i'd be happy. but i am scared. i am scared to ask weird questions like: hey if i died, would you cry at my funeral? would you come at all? would you think of me? would you talk about me? do you talk about me now? if you could help me with something, would you do it if i asked you to?
i am still figuring life out even though i seem to be at the end stage of my thesis. hopefully i will somehow manage to connect the girl who i originally was and who i am turning into.
dead belongings.
10 September 2013 @ 04:30 pm
And the reason why I chase after all those men is because I am looking for someone who is better than you.
Or maybe there are no reasons, maybe I am just bored.

I am not sure if I want to see Gaze.
I mean I want to, in Japan, every once in a while, but Germany is something else.
I am just trying to survive and make the best out of it here
dead belongings.
22 July 2013 @ 02:34 am
i don't feel right anymore.
this might be an identity crisis.

i don't even know what my nationality is anymore. in fact, what is, what really defines nationality?