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dead belongings.
03 May 2017 @ 03:46 am
91.  
jesus christ. i forgot how fucking exhausting people in germany are. people in japan too but people in germany, wooooow, beyond fucking measure. maybe i just hate all people, without exception. is all they want fighting? lord, really. i need to actually distance myself from that shit. i don't hate germany nor japan, but honestly, all the fucking people. how are they supposed to live together? where is that country of intelligent horses Swift was talking about? i want to go there and never come back.
why did i have to be born to peasants and only realize it when i was already out of home wait why are there so many peasants i swear this is the last fucking time i visit here for longer than a few days I SWEAR
 
 
dead belongings.
09 March 2017 @ 02:47 am
wow. i do need to write my thoughts down, my eye-opening moments before i forget. where do i start. why all the bad reviews? seems like after all the masses are just one big bunch of mass-produced lump that needs to be entertained, thrilled, have their senses tickled constantly to feel anything at all. once you put them in front of a movie with play-like elements and they need to think and analyze? - 'i don't have time'
there we go. 'time'. and while i cannot say that every part of that movie was amazing, i did have goosebumps at the start but then it turned out differently from what i imagined.

actually i was not too convinced about the collateral beauty idea but maybe that is something i will understand or experience later on.
but you know what? maybe it's because of the things i read lately but i felt like i understood the concept of family to a degree that i didn't understand before. and it hurt so fucking much i am about to tear up just thinking about it.
'being happy' is not family or marriage. well, it might be at some point, to a certain degree. but that's not all. family means that you will go through good and bad times. you think now that this is what everyone always says, right? but no, it means that you forgive. you forgive and get over things that seem unforgivable. you get over it. you are strong and you work for your relationship. you plant flowers where there's only ash. that's fucking love, that's family. not getting a divorce when you aren't happy or something really bad happened. you get back together.
you might wish to become strangers again, to undo all the pain you have caused each other and to have a better start. but if everything is perfect from the start, how durable, how loving does that exactly make you? especially as a couple? how can you know how much your partner loves you if you never had to go through any real tough hard times that you caused each other?
everyone can be in love with a fairy tale. but the real happiness is forgiving the unforgivable, loving when it is too hard to love, getting over the pain.

maybe that is collateral beauty. not having to be strangers again.

'people only like that flirty feeling of being in love.' not that real painful love.
 
 
dead belongings.
08 January 2017 @ 05:37 pm
yeah i don't know. why am i still in japan? it's fun, yeah, but if everyone is like that, i have no reasons to be here. i will let god decide if i stay here or not.
 
 
dead belongings.
25 July 2014 @ 11:27 pm
so many things have happened since november. i went to the other side of the world and back again. i saw professor m. in a new light. i tried to make friends with people who are not suitable to me because i am lonely. or because i like to socialize? i don't know.

since no one uses lj anymore, i might as well post this for everyone to read.
where should i start? oh the friends. what are friends? they are like potatoes, if you eat them, they die. right?
i don't really feel close to anyone around me anymore, not even my own parents. whenever i get trapped to trust someone a little bit they hurt me with something they say or do, or they keep secrets from me, or whatnot. am i too sensitive? maybe. but isn't it normal to treat you friends with respect and love? i think so.

the way things are now i cannot recognize myself anymore. why do i even socialize with people here when i don't like most of them? i am not that girl that i always was, i am just someone looking for a place where i can rest for a bit but no one keeps me and i keep wandering around and knocking on doors and i wonder, why. why don't i just shut myself off from people? i want to trust someone but really there is hardly anyone. i have my hopes on one or two people but that's it. everyone else... i feel like they'd turn their back at me anytime. is that normal? is it real? in this kind of time it seems to be.

i also feel like i am forcing myself to be nice to people to have friends. i liked myself better when i had hardly any friends and didn't care. how did i get so messed up? why do i force myself to be around people? of course it's not to be alone but i know in many cases i just feel worse from before, so what is it? what makes me put my filters for friends so ... loosened?
if i had just one or two people who i could really trust and who i knew i could trust in every way, i'd be happy. but i am scared. i am scared to ask weird questions like: hey if i died, would you cry at my funeral? would you come at all? would you think of me? would you talk about me? do you talk about me now? if you could help me with something, would you do it if i asked you to?
i am still figuring life out even though i seem to be at the end stage of my thesis. hopefully i will somehow manage to connect the girl who i originally was and who i am turning into.