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dead belongings.
01 July 2017 @ 11:14 am
i read my last post's title and wondered why i wrote '91'. my god. i am trying so hard to encrypt my thoughts i can't even decipher them myself later.

either way. they say that you should write about all the things that bother you. and that's what i do every now and then. i seem to have much more motivation in germany? in germany it's so easy to vent. just type in the journal, let it out, talk to friends, be alone, watch tv.
in japan? you are forever alone. nobody cares. no, i have no idea why i wanted to live here.

my biggest issue is loneliness.
i try to tell myself that i tried hard enough to make friends. i have reached an educational and intelligent level where it's not enough for me to simply be with some sort of white people. i know. did i really try hard enough? i think i did put quite some effort. i could have just gone with the flow and more or less accepted what i could get but seriously, i reached a level where i am not satisfied with being lonely 80% of the time. in a way or the other. i can't fucking handle the mindless stupid conversations. i can't fucking handle no standards in your conversations. i fucking can't. life is too short to be stupid and do the mind-numbing shit most people engage in here. which brings me to the next point.

i am starting to feel like i am going crazy.
when i am around people or him, it's manageable. hence i don't feel lonely per se in those times. but i will feel it coming down like a hammer on my head during random moments, thinking: what have they done to me?
i catch myself in that everyday grind, not doing anything of purpose or anything that serves a future and i feel like screaming, crying, going berserk. it's the mind-numbing grind, everyday, work, sleep, eat, go for recreation, real-time panopticon, motherfucker.

how can you live in japan longterm, or namely tokyo as thinking and feeling human being? you simply become a machine, a member of the matrix, the battery while you are draining your own cellphone battery that is provided by your income power. shit's real now isn't it?

what else do i hate? those are the main two things. but the noise. yes, maybe if i worked a really good job i could find a place that was not too noisy. it would still stay a bother at the train stations, with all the announcements, etc. oh and those crazy police and ambulance cars. i've turned half-deaf already.
my skin problems bother me more here than in europe. nothing seems to help with this one apart from moving away from here.
i have financial concerns regarding the future. i have concerns regarding my own children in the future, but hey, i never planned to raise them in japan anyway, so here we go.
then, the pollution and the bugs. and the way they do those drains ugh. again, hard to avoid. maybe living in a more country-side-ish but high class area and get someone to clean my place.

so, let's see.
when i move out of the country and to germany, i face the trouble of getting a new job or pursuing a master's degree or similar (-1) but i would stop going crazy and feeling lonely (+2). the noise and drains would be, if everything goes well, most of the time not much of a problem, but all depends on the place where i will live (+/-0) - okay, it will be a pain to look for a place (-1). the skin problems will get better (+1), pollution and bugs will be better (+1). i have no idea about financial situation there but it might not be much worse in the longterm but first of it will be bad (+/-0). at least i will be fucking SANE.

if i want to stay in japan i will have to work hard to socialize and keep myself busy. i might go crazy and be in a lot of emotional pain (-2). people don't understand me here and never will. so i will have to travel if possible.
the other things (pollution, drains, bugs) could be managed up to a point by getting good work and finding a really good apartment (+/-0). skin problems will stay a problem (-1). fincancial concerns might turn out more or less alright depending on the job (+1). my daily grind life just might bug the shit of of me.

i see there is mainly minuses on the japan part. maybe i only see the negatives of japan because i am here right now? but it's what i am thinking now and thought when i was in germany the last time, too, right? i mean, heck, i cried while watching 'the girl on the train'. my pain goes too deep already.
 
 
dead belongings.
03 May 2017 @ 03:46 am
91.  
jesus christ. i forgot how fucking exhausting people in germany are. people in japan too but people in germany, wooooow, beyond fucking measure. maybe i just hate all people, without exception. is all they want fighting? lord, really. i need to actually distance myself from that shit. i don't hate germany nor japan, but honestly, all the fucking people. how are they supposed to live together? where is that country of intelligent horses Swift was talking about? i want to go there and never come back.
why did i have to be born to peasants and only realize it when i was already out of home wait why are there so many peasants i swear this is the last fucking time i visit here for longer than a few days I SWEAR
 
 
dead belongings.
09 March 2017 @ 02:47 am
wow. i do need to write my thoughts down, my eye-opening moments before i forget. where do i start. why all the bad reviews? seems like after all the masses are just one big bunch of mass-produced lump that needs to be entertained, thrilled, have their senses tickled constantly to feel anything at all. once you put them in front of a movie with play-like elements and they need to think and analyze? - 'i don't have time'
there we go. 'time'. and while i cannot say that every part of that movie was amazing, i did have goosebumps at the start but then it turned out differently from what i imagined.

actually i was not too convinced about the collateral beauty idea but maybe that is something i will understand or experience later on.
but you know what? maybe it's because of the things i read lately but i felt like i understood the concept of family to a degree that i didn't understand before. and it hurt so fucking much i am about to tear up just thinking about it.
'being happy' is not family or marriage. well, it might be at some point, to a certain degree. but that's not all. family means that you will go through good and bad times. you think now that this is what everyone always says, right? but no, it means that you forgive. you forgive and get over things that seem unforgivable. you get over it. you are strong and you work for your relationship. you plant flowers where there's only ash. that's fucking love, that's family. not getting a divorce when you aren't happy or something really bad happened. you get back together.
you might wish to become strangers again, to undo all the pain you have caused each other and to have a better start. but if everything is perfect from the start, how durable, how loving does that exactly make you? especially as a couple? how can you know how much your partner loves you if you never had to go through any real tough hard times that you caused each other?
everyone can be in love with a fairy tale. but the real happiness is forgiving the unforgivable, loving when it is too hard to love, getting over the pain.

maybe that is collateral beauty. not having to be strangers again.

'people only like that flirty feeling of being in love.' not that real painful love.
 
 
dead belongings.
08 January 2017 @ 05:37 pm
yeah i don't know. why am i still in japan? it's fun, yeah, but if everyone is like that, i have no reasons to be here. i will let god decide if i stay here or not.